Recently, I bought this Crest Renewal System™. The idea of it – at least according to the packaging – is that it’s a WHOLE SYSTEM to whiten and “renew” your teeth. My teeth could use some renewing, sure; whose couldn’t? So I bought the $11.99 Renewal System™ that turned out to be….a tube of Crest fluoride toothpaste and five pairs of whitening strips. You’re supposed to use the strips once a week.

Shame on me for believing the hype, right? But I’m a sucker for marketing. I’ll buy the Swiffer because it promises to do away with my mop and her sister the dirty water, only to then discover that all Swiffer does is just kind of move the dust around on my floor. I’ll buy anything “as seen on TV” – especially if it involves Billy Mays yelling at me (I’m particularly obsessed with Mighty Putty and the Hercules Hook right now.) Nail polish that dries in 30 seconds? Sure, count me in. Head On, apply directly to the forehead? Do want, if only to prove the commercials wrong.

But do you ever get the feeling that companies and their marketing departments are just playing a gigantic joke on everyone – including you and me? Or, as the delightful Johnny Rotten once said, “Ever get the feeling you’ve been cheated?” He also said, “Malcolm and Vivienne were a pair of shysters; they’d sell anything to any trend they could grab onto.” That’s funny. I worked in marketing for a long time, and I loved to play jokes on people. A hat designed to look like a turban? A fake band with a half dozen magazine articles under their collective belt? Street teams? Acid wash? Sarcasm buried in cheap and cheerful slogans? You don’t get it? The joke truly is on you.

Why do you buy into what you buy, only to discover it doesn’t work – at all? Marketers – and not even good ones, just ones with a basic grasp of human nature – can take a mound of cat poop and turn it into gold that everyone is shelling out $11.99 for. Actually, they’ve done that already, with Ellen DeGeneres featuring kitty litter facemasks on her show. The resulting testimonials (“My face has never looked tighter and brighter!”) are either employees of Fresh Step or those who’ve been duped into wetting down and smearing the vile stuff across their cheeks – trying not to look like dupes.

So when I picked up a magazine the other day to read about the newest and greatest music I should be listening to, I snickered to find an “electronic duo” that is “poised for superstardom.” Knowing they were friends of a friend who worked at the magazine, and knowing they were part of a scene that does favors for one another, and also knowing that their “talent” consists of Fischer Price beats composed mostly by their computers…well.  But to the consumer who really IS, earnestly, trying to find the next “newest and greatest”, the electronic duo may be music to their ears, even if they secretly think they suck. And whose fault, really, is that?

So it goes, the marketing snake eating its own tail. Perhaps I’ve become too cynical in my old, old age, but I can’t even take reality TV at face value anymore. Wait, are you laughing at me? Stop it. I really DID think Tila Tequila was bi-sexual.

please to enjoy this image of my alter-ego at comic con.

so. um. my signing? well, i was almost derailed when the shuttle taking me from the hotel to the l.a. convention center decided to take this strange, roundabout way (really, it wouldn’t have been proper for me to tell the driver that there’s olympic and then there’s pico, and never the twain shall meet), leaving me running to my booth with one minute to spare. imagine my shock when i discovered….a line? i am not often serious with my emotions, but by gosh, i just about teared up from gratitude that the booth was surrounded by actual PEOPLE instead of crickets (a.k.a, how i pictured it). big ups to the japanese gentlemen who had me pose for pictures. the one who referred to me as a “small child” will always have a special place in my heart.

there are pictures up at ijustfinished’s blog and ijustfinished’s interview with me on youtube, which i haven’t watched because i am quite sure i made some sort of an ass out of myself at some point. or was just boring. which is worse. anyway! thanks renee – my first press.

oh, and why is l.a. still horrible? tune in next time for the first installment of carrie’s soap box, which will include such topics as “$43.00 parking – legend, myth or fact?”, “the 7-11 on santa monica and las palmas sucks”, and my favorite NYC diatribe, “what do we want? affordable housing! when do we want it? NOW!”

good day.